Why Don't I Have Any Close Friends?
Do you wish you had more Christian friends? You're not alone. But there is something you can do about it.
Unlike family relationships that often remain with us to the grave, friendships are often more temporal. If you’re like most people, the friends you had in high school and university are different from the ones you have today. Sure, you might have a handful of close friends that stick with you for life. But most are more tied to geography, common interests, and stages of life than we might want to think.
Close friendships are essential, and they should rank near the top of our investment portfolio. But the older I get, the more my views of friendship evolve. When I was in my early twenties, I viewed friendship more idealistically. If I was close to someone then, I assumed I would remain close friends five years later. But I soon discovered this wasn’t the case.
Instead, friendships are more like chapters we pencil into an outline. They are only with us for a season until someone turns the page. Some friendships last for decades–others only a few years. But each friendship is important, and how we invest our bread (Beliefs, Resources, Energy, Affections, and Dedication) determines the quality of the friendships we build.
The Decline of Friendships
I need to pause here and address the obvious. So far, our first three relationships revolve around God, family, and friends. Part of me feels this trilogy is too cliché and overstates the obvious. But here is my two-fold dilemma.
First, these three areas are the foundation of good relational investing. Trying to cast our bread to other relationships without getting these ones right is like investing in a new boat when we can’t afford our mortgage payments.
Second, it’s critical to note that statistics indicate we do not take these relationships as seriously as we might think. For example, for the first time in its history, less than 50% of Americans are connected to a house of worship.[1] Also, roughly four in ten US adults falling between ages 25-54 are not in a committed partnership or marriage.[2]
When we look at close friendships, these troubling relational trends continue. In May of 2021, the American Perspectives Survey investigated the state of relationships in America and revealed that “Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”[3]
The survey identified three primary causes for this breakdown in close relationships. The first was that Americans are marrying later than ever before, and they are more geographically mobile. The second was that American parents were spending nearly twice as much time with their immediate family than previous generations. The third factor was that on average, Americans were working longer hours and traveling more for work than their ancestors.[4]
Results of this survey also found that Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, they talk to their friends less, and rely less on their friends for personal support. A few figures back this up.
49% of Americans reported having three or fewer close friends, 22% of survey participants said it had been at least five years since they had made a new friend, and 12% of responders said they had no friends.[5] To me, perhaps the most staggering figure of all was that only 59% of Americans reported having a best friend. This same number was 75% in 1990.[6]
What’s fascinating is that even as the level of deep relational commitments drop, the percentage of those struggling with depression and anxiety continues to rise.[7] And to this grand dilemma, Johann Hari offers this thought-provoking question, “What if depression is, in fact, a form of grief—for our own lives not being as they should? What if it is a form of grief for the connections we have lost, yet still need?”[8]
Through personal experience, studying the scientific data, and understanding the relational nature of our creator, it’s clear to me that our personal happiness and the strength of our closest friendships are intertwined. My friend Daniel Yang writes, “People communicate their desire for a tribe but what they need on a daily basis is a version of super family, clan, and close friends.”[9]
