The Best Piece of Marriage Advice I've Ever Received

Minutes after our marriage ceremony in June 2012, Janan and I got into our car to head from our wedding chapel to the reception. (As you'll note from the picture, this was back when I cut my own hair and thought I looked good in a goatee.)

We had a few minutes of downtime, and Janan’s Uncle Gary, our chauffeur for the day, took us on an impromptu trip to McDonald’s. When you get married in North Pole, Alaska, your options are limited.

After we pulled away from the drive-thru, he turned to us and said, “Let me give you some advice. If you two ever find yourself in a conflict you cannot resolve, at least one of you has a problem with your relationship with God.” I’ve never forgotten that.

Six years into our marriage, we were church-planting and renovating our home in Toronto, Canada. The pressure was on. Not only were we working on building a church, but we had a one-year-old, and life felt like a constant game of adjustments.

After I painted our upstairs bedrooms and had the carpet installed, Janan cleaned them from top to bottom. As she did, her only request was that if I did any more construction work, I keep the dust outside. A few days later, I noticed that one of the doors was catching a bit when I went to close it.

No problem, I thought. I’ll just get the sander and shave a bit off the edge (revealing my very limited carpentry skills). That’s when I remembered Janan’s request and a short battle ensued in my mind.

Should I do what was most convenient, or should I do what I knew was right?

The Choice

I chose the first option.

It’s not a big deal, I said to myself. Besides, I’ve been doing renovations for days and taking the doors off the hinges to take them outside will take me a whole five minutes I cannot afford to spend.

Even as I tried to convince myself, I knew I was wrong. But I didn’t care. I sanded away, and within a few minutes, the door functioned as it should. Mission accomplished. But then Janan walked in...

Noticing her frustration and trying to get ahead of her, I said something like, “You should just be grateful I’m doing all this hard work.” Then, I went outside to work on another project, leaving Janan in tears.

The moment I walked out the front door, I realized where I'd gone wrong. It wasn't that I was just having an off day. I'd allowed my relationship with God to grow cold, replacing time with him with what I thought were important pursuits. So, a few minutes later, I went back inside and apologized to Janan and to God.

Since that day, I've worked hard to remember those words from Uncle Gary and that my relationship with God is directly connected to my relationships with others. This means my connection to him can’t be an afterthought. I can’t afford to be a little spiritual, religious, or faith-based. I have to prioritize time with him in everything I do.

Engage with Your Head, Heart, and Hands

The Christian life is integrated; there is no compartmentalization. It’s no use showing up to church on Sunday if you treat your spouse, kids, coworkers, or others like trash on Monday. But this is easier said than done.

What's the key to integration?

First, develop a proper head knowledge of God. Do your homework. Read deeply and study widely. Meditate on the words of Jesus in the four gospels.

Second, apply your hands and rub shoulders with other followers of Christ. Find a solid church and attend with the purpose of pursuing God. Do not fixate on others' glaring imperfections. Instead, show up with a heart to seek God by interacting with others who are created in his image.

Third, engage your heart. As you read your Bible, practice daily meditation, sitting and listening for God to speak. Take up a musical instrument and start playing songs to God. Pray to God each morning and ask that he would make himself real to you.

This head, heart, and hands approach guards us against some perilous pursuits.

Seek God with your head alone, and you’ll either dismiss him or become proud in your knowledge of him.

Engage him with only your hands, and you might do a lot of good things, but you will lack the deep truths that provide the basis for your actions.

Pursue him with only your heart, and your emotions will deceive you.

Seek him with everything that you do, recognizing that as you do, this will transform not only your relationship with him but your relationship with others.