How Many Close Friends Do You Have?

I'm in the middle of a multi-week series on relationships with my daily devotional subscribers, and last week, we looked at the importance of close friendships.

When I think of close friendships, several names come to mind. I think of my buddy Jesse Fontaine. We were childhood friends and spent countless hours together before my family’s separation pulled us apart. While it would have been easy to set this relationship aside, it’s one we’ve both chosen to keep. The miles have pulled us apart, but we’re still close.

When I moved to Cincinnati in 2004, I became friends with another guy named David Hartkopf. Both of us shared a mutual passion for all things God and hockey. And today, nearly twenty years later, we’re still close and regularly call each other to pray or chat. There is pretty much nothing in my life that David doesn’t know. Along the way, I’ve added a few other names to my inner circle of friends. People like Andrew, Cesar, and JD (I'm leaving a number of names off the list for brevity).

Each of these names represents very different individuals. Andrew works downtown Toronto, doing some important job I can’t ever quite understand. Cesar works with high schoolers and weirdly enjoys working on cars in his spare time. Jesse is now a medical doctor and uses lots of big words. JD is a workout fanatic and I feel my biceps growing just through spending time together.

If close relationships were solely built on shared interests, I’d be a very unhappy man. We’re all very different. But what makes these relationships work is we have a set of shared values and the desire to build a relationship is a two-way street. Personally, I don’t know where I’d be without close friendships.

So, how do you build some of your own?

Four Qualities of Close Friendships

When it comes to developing strong friendships, the first place to start is desire and determination. Do you want to be close to others, and are you OK with others being close to you?

Assuming you see the value of close friendships, the next natural question is, where do you start? How do you go about establishing a close friendship with someone you respect? While most of my relationships have happened organically, there are some helpful qualities that have guided my close friendships with others.

Quality #1: Close Friends Hold a Set of Shared Values

The first is a strong commitment to shared values. These core beliefs include a shared understanding of where we came from, why we are on this earth, and where we are going. I can be friends with someone who thinks we’re on this earth as a result of cosmic chance, but I cannot be close friends. There is too much we do not have in common.

Quality #2: Close Friends Are Committed to Growth

Assuming someone believes in Jesus, my next question is, do they have a commitment to growth? I don’t want to spend a lot of time with people who live the same way today as they did in high school. Every weekend is not a party, and life isn’t all about hobbies and the pursuit of pleasure. And yes, I sound like a Scrooge.

Along these lines, I’m always curious to see if people will ever admit they are wrong. One of the common questions I love to ask people is, what are some beliefs and ideals you have changed in the past decade? No one was born with the perfect gene. We are all works in progress.

Ultimately, I’m happy to have friends with a wide range of personal convictions and cultural ideals. But I also want them to be honest and committed to improvement. If they’re not, it’s tough to get too close.

Quality #3: Close Friends Are Comfortable With Who They Are

I’ve met some people with whom I’ve had many shared values. The only problem is they are so stiff. Everything they say sounds like a canned speech.

It’s like they haven’t found their own voice and are uncomfortable in their own shoes. They live with a sense of inferiority that causes them to put up a façade when others try to get close. They’re happy to share the high points of their lives but struggle to be vulnerable. Quite frankly, they aren’t much fun and come across as rather condescending.

Conversations with people like this often work best when they revolve around a common hatred. The government did this, and that mutual friend of ours said that. Every point of the conversation wreaks of some form of one-upmanship. Someone must be cut down so they can be elevated. To me, I enjoy being around people who value the art of self-deprecation—not people who think less of themselves, but people who think of themselves less.

Quality #4: Close Friends Are Committed to Great Faith

This fourth one is huge. Great faith reveals itself in many ways. For some, it's the commitment to remain steady like Noah and do the daily, mundane tasks God has asked them to do. For others, like the Apostle Paul, it’s being willing to risk their lives for what they believe.

Great faith only happens through great sacrifice. Show me a person who isn’t willing to sacrifice, and I will show you someone who does not have great faith. Great faith is defined by belief, but it is demonstrated through action.

People of great faith are secure in Christ. They have a great sense of personal awareness, are comfortable with seasons of uncertainty, do not feel threatened by others whose gifts might be greater than theirs, and are committed to following Jesus through thick and thin.

What Do You Value?

If you're struggling to build strong relationships, take out a notecard and write down what you'd value in a friend.

Then, ask God to bring people like this into your life and take the initiative to reach out. As you invest in others, in time, I promise you will be surprised at the wonderful people you have in your life.