How Do You Respond When Someone Says Something About You Behind Your Back?

Have you ever overheard someone say something nasty about you?

You walked by their cubicle at work, read that email you weren’t supposed to be CC’d in, or heard from someone else what your “friend” said about you. Your face flushes with anger, and you can’t wait to speak to them, say something sarcastic, or better yet, give them the cold shoulder until they fess up. If this is where you’re at today, Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 is just the passage you need. Here, the preacher of Ecclesiastes says, 

21 Don’t pay attention to everything people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you, 22 for in your heart you know that many times you yourself have cursed others.

As Jerry Shepherd writes, these verses “call appropriate attention to the all–too-hasty reaction of condemning others for things you have done yourself, or toward which you have a tendency but perhaps lack occasion.”^[1] The Hebrew word translated as “cursing” might mean “slander” or “grumble.”^[2] In The Message, Eugene Peterson paraphrases this verse as “Don’t eavesdrop on the conversation of others. What if the gossip’s about you, and you’d rather not hear it?”

This is the path of a wise person. A fool always takes things personally and never gives the benefit of the doubt. A wise person takes time for introspection and realizes they, too, need grace, and if they were honest with themselves, there are times they have treated others in just the same manner. 

Iain Provan is right when he says, “One’s attitude to other human beings should be conditioned by the awareness of one’s own flawed humanity.”^[3] Only as we realize the extent of our own selfish actions can we give grace to others. In fact, when we don’t give grace, we betray the fact that we’ve misunderstood the very nature of the gospel, where God offered his unmerited grace to those who least deserved it.

Too often, we’re incredibly self-righteous. When someone says something we think is unjust, our pride kicks in, and we feel it’s our right to be offended. However, the author of Ecclesiastes says the opposite. He’s saying it’s in the moments we are offended most that we should look inward and confront the pride in our own hearts. As Psalm 53:3 says, “There is no one who does good, not even one.”

The next time we overhear someone speak a negative word about us, this is our chance to put our faith into action and decide if we believe the whole gospel. Certainly, there are times when we should confront others. Matthew 18 has something to say about this. But there are other times we should just let things slide and stop taking ourselves too seriously.

Ask yourself, Would I want even my closest friends and family members to know every negative word I have spoken about them? Of course not. Everyone says flippant things they regret, and if you hold others to a standard to which you don’t even hold yourself, you’ll always walk around offended and betrayed.

So, walk in the paths of wisdom. “Don’t pay attention to everything people say.” Give grace as someone who is in desperate need of it yourself.