How Do I Make Friends?

One of the reasons we struggle to build close friendships is because we fear the sting of pain when these relationships aren’t what they once were.

We cast our bread, but our investment didn’t pan out as we hoped. A friend betrayed our confidence or disappointed us in ways we least expected. Now, instead of pulling others close, we hold them at arm’s length—doing just enough so they will never wound us, thus making it impossible for them to ever strengthen us.

Few disappointments cut so deep as the betrayal of a friend. The pain of broken friendships can make us question if it’s even worth it to hold people close. In some respect, the older I’ve grown, the longer it takes for me to fully trust people. There have just been too many examples of disappointment—people I thought were great but turned out to have ulterior motives.

It’s here my self-preservation starts to kick in. Fool me once, I think to myself. And rather than let others close, I create distance. Sure, we can meet, but not too often. Yes, I’ll share a bit of my story, but only those parts that aren’t too painful. Friends? Yes. Close friendships? No.

But several years ago, I heard John Maxwell make a statement that changed my perspective. Early on in his career, John faced some difficult relational disappointments that made it hard for him to trust others. During this season, he realized he could hold people at arm’s length, thus ensuring they would never hurt him. However, doing so would also make certain they never helped him.

Ever since I heard that statement, this help and hurt motto has rung true in my life. Whenever I’m tempted to give up on close friendships, I pause and think of the price I will pay if I’m not vulnerable.

I also ask: What would Jesus do if he were in my shoes?

Jesus Focused on Three

If there was anyone who knew the joys and disappointments of investing in close friendship, it was Jesus. Aside from casting his bread to the masses, much of Jesus’ public ministry was spent in the company of a small band of brothers known as his disciples. With these twelve men, three of them rose to the surface—Peter, James, and John.

Three times, the gospel accounts highlight distinct occasions when Jesus interacts with these men apart from the other disciples and throngs of people. The first of these is the raising of Jairus’ daughter in Luke 8. After hearing about all Jesus had done, this official immediately fell to his knees and pleaded for Jesus to come and heal his sick daughter.

Jesus consents, but as he approaches this official’s home, messengers emerge from the house to let the father know his daughter has died. They even encourage the official not to bother Jesus because the fight for life is lost. But Jesus overhears them and asks permission to enter the house. As he does, he asks for all non-family members to leave the home. Every one that is except for Peter, James, and John. They alone are allowed to witness the first person Jesus ever raised from the dead.

The second event where Jesus specifically singled out Peter, James, and John was at a location known as the Mount of Transfiguration. There, God’s presence is revealed in a miraculous way, and the voice of God the Father says, “This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him!”

In response to this transformation, the three disciples fall on their faces and are terrified, but Jesus reassures them that everything will be okay. His purpose was not to scare or frighten them, but it was intended to allow them to experience who he really was in an intimate way that was distinct from what all the multitudes saw on the hillsides.

The third event is in the Garden of Gethsemane in Matthew 26. Jesus was preparing for his coming death, a time when he would bear the weight of the sins of the world on his shoulders. So heavy is this burden that Jesus begins to sweat drops of blood. As Jesus spends these moments in deep agony, once again, he reaches out to his three closest followers.

Peter, James, and John are invited to be near him and given instructions to pray. While all three of them fail Jesus miserably during this time and sleep the night away as Jesus prays in agony, the message Jesus sent them was that they mattered. He counted them as more than personal acquaintances and asked them to help bear his pain during his darkest hour of need.

Jesus could have lived his entire life from a stage. Instead, he spent large amounts of time with some people and small amounts of time with others. There was nothing special about Peter, James, and John. They were just ordinary guys.

But Jesus’ mission to earth was to live a life that others could follow. He came as the perfect God-man. That perfect connection between divinity and humanity. As God, he could forgive sins. But as man, he experienced the same emotional, physical, and relational limitations as anyone. He limited himself and thus served as a model for the rest of humanity to follow.

So, How Do You Build Close Friendships?  

By taking the initiative. There isn’t one close friendship in my life that hasn't required a lot of intentionality. On the one hand, this feels wrong because I feel like friendships should be more organic. But it’s a reality for me, and I suspect it will be for you.