How Do I Be Friends With Someone Who Thinks Differently Than Me?

Can I be friends with someone who votes, lives, and worships differently than me? For many Christians, sadly, the answer is no.

As a professional ghostwriter, I work with people from all backgrounds. Case in point: I'm currently working with seven authors from different countries, ethnicities, and political/religious ideologies.

I've worked with liberal DEI professors for major universities and die-hard conservative Trump supporters. I've worked with devout Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, and non-religious. I've worked with urban white-collar business leaders and rural blue-collar workers. I've worked with successful leaders who graduated from Harvard and those who done never graduated.

Sometimes, friends say, "Ezra, how do you work with people when you have such deep philosophical differences? Doesn't that get exhausting?"

My response is that it would if I entered every relationship trying to prove my point or ideology. But most times, I'm just there to listen and offer occasional feedback." Adapting the language used in yesterday's devotional, I'm there to farm rather than fight.

What Does Farming Look Like?

Most people have two very different sides to them. There is the public persona they put on for others online or at their office. This persona falls in step with whatever worldview they hold, and it's sort of robotic. But then there is the human aspect that is messier and more in harmony even with those with whom they would publicly disagree.

I've discovered that regardless of one's beliefs, there are common factors that pop up from one relational conversation to the next. Factors like the desire to impress a parent who never paid them any attention, the incredible emotional toll their business has taken on their family, and the secret addictions they wish they could break. Some of the people I work with look so perfect. But deep down, they have the same basic problems.

If I were to come into these conversations with the heart of a fighter and challenge everything they said that I disagreed with, I’d last about one session. But approaching with the heart of someone who wants to learn is life-changing, and it has opened the door for some friendships I otherwise wouldn’t have ordinarily made.

In a relational sense, farming is:

• Asking questions when we’re tempted to provide answers
• Sitting at the foot of a table when we want to sit at the head
• Offering the benefit of the doubt when it would make us feel morally superior to judge
• Seeking clarity when we’re tempted to reach for sarcasm

I’ll say it again. Sometimes, we need to fight, but most times, we need to farm.

Adapt the 5:1 Ratio

As Ecclesiastes 3 says, “For everything there is a season.” There is a time for war and a time for peace. There is a time to love and a time to hate. There is a time to kill and a time to heal.

Some seasons are longer than others but never intended to last forever. Farmers need to learn to fight, and fighters need to learn to farm. To tackle injustices such as poverty, racism, and sexism, requires years of patient investment and relational cultivation. These problems are not solved by waking up one morning and sending an angry Tweet to someone with whom we disagree. Instead, they take time.